This is a chapter of my book Overcomer,
Life was never easy for me to deal with at times, and I sometimes wondered how I was going to make it in this life. At times, I even wondered if I would commit suicide. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to live; it was the enemy (we’ll call him the devil) who would push those buttons in the back of my head. He would tell me that I wouldn’t make it. The enemy has told me I wouldn’t make it in college, I wouldn’t find a ministry opportunity, and I wouldn’t find the wife God has for me. He’s whispered to me that I should just give up on my life because it wasn’t going to work. He’s told me that God doesn’t have a plan and a purpose for my life. He’d whisper that I wasn’t going to be able to accomplish anything in this life and that I was going to be a loser, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
We all have those buttons, and we all have those little things that the enemy tells us we can’t do. He says we won’t be able to go to college, we won’t get that job we just interviewed for, we won’t get married. If you’re already married, he’ll tell you that your marriage won’t survive. Sometimes we start believing those lies, and we begin to give up on the life God has given us.
Why do we listen to him?
Instead of listening to him, we need to put the devil in his place. We need to realize that the devil is the liar of liars and that God does have something great in store for our lives. Even though I was thinking about killing myself and ending my life, I knew God was there with me, even though I didn’t always feel Him. Even when I wondered what His plan and purpose were for my life, the only issue was that I just couldn’t see it in that moment. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Through all that I had to go through and all the trials I had to deal with and endure, there was one day when my pastor asked if there was anyone in the church who wanted to accept Christ as Lord and Savior. When I gave my heart to Christ that day, I indicated that I wanted Him as a part of my life with an upraised hand. When I started to walk up the aisle, I realized that I was going to be the only one going up. I was a little nervous and uneasy about it. I worried about what people were going to say because I was only thirteen. Even so, I gave my life to Christ on that day. That doesn’t mean that from that day forward I was perfect, sinless, never picked on again or had to endure trials. It doesn’t mean God protected me from attacks of the enemy. That’s not true at all.
God does protect us, but God also wants to see what we’re going to do when the enemy attacks us. He wants to know if we’re going to run away or if we’re going to run to Him. The enemy always tried to put me down. He always tried to tell me I was useless, worthless, unable to amount to anything, unable to accomplish anything in this life. I can remember hearing, over and over again, “Why don’t you just give up now?” If I would have had a knife in my hand during those times I thought about ending my life, I don’t think I would have attempted it by any means, but I did think about it.
Thankfully, I never did it. I don’t exactly know why, but maybe I realized that in that small, mustard seed of faith that God talks about, I knew He had a better plan and purpose for my life.
I have mentioned a lot about trusting in God, and putting our faith in him, for when we are going through the tough times of life. That’s one of the reasons why I survived, was because of the faith, and trust that I have in God, because if I didn’t I don’t know what I would’ve done. Though I had other help as well, I had my friends, who were there to help me when times got tough. I wish I would’ve had the friends that I do know, back when I was younger, because it probably would’ve helped me a lot more. Friends, like Kevin B, and Chris G, Pastor Dom, Adam B, Dan D, Matt B, guys that I hang out with at Church, because when we talk, I realize that I am not alone in the boat. The struggles that I face, the battles that I have to deal with, and face, are the same struggles, and that they face, especially as a guy.
For me at times, it may be different living with a disability but for the most part, it’s the same. We have to go to God, when we are dealing with difficulties and situations, in our lives, but it also helps, when we have people surrounding us, lifting up our arms, so that we can fight the battle. The battle is the Lord’s and in the end, He wins, though sometimes it’s tiring to fight the battle. One of the ways that I survived was having people surrounding me, to help, encourage, support, and lift up my arms. I hope that I can do the same for them when they are dealing with difficulties, and struggles. I want to encourage you, if you don’t have someone, ask God to bring those people into your life. Ask God to bring the Aaron’ and Hur’s who lifted Moses arms up when they were battling the Amalekites so that you to can fight the battles in your life. Until then, Go to God, and ask God to help you because He knows what you are dealing with, and what you are struggling with in your life. Proverbs 18:24 says One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (NIV) Not only did I wonder how I survived, at times, but I wondered how my parent’s marriage survived.
Before I was born, my mom and dad had four other children; two boys, and two girls. The two boys died a little after they were born due to a birth defect. The two girls survived with no complications. My parents had a girl first, and then a boy, another boy, a girl and then another boy. I have seen some of my friends’ (who also had disabilities) parents divorce just because their son or daughter had a disability. My parents had their disputes and arguments, though with God’s help and direction, they stayed together.
As a teenager, I was thinking about what I wanted to do when I got older. I went from wanting to be a nurse to wanting to be a baseball player (typical boy), to working with computers, to being a lifeguard. I wasn’t that fast, so I knew I’d never be able to make the swim to save someone, and as a man, the girls would probably distract me.
Yes, I’m a guy, and yes, even with a disability, I liked talking to the girls, whether they were in youth group or school. Sometimes when I would look in the mirror, I would wonder how some of the pretty and good looking girls that I was talking to would want to talk to me. I also wondered if they would ever be interested in a guy like me.